When you’re at the top of your game. When everyone wants to know you. When everyone wants to be you. Nothing but the best life has to offer is good enough for you. You are, simply put, a baller.
Introducing the Chuck Card for Ballers.
Chuck is watching. He sees you. Chuck likes what he sees. And when Chuck likes what he sees, you get the Chuck Card for Ballers.
- Pre-order access to all Chuck’s new flavors
- Special offers, promotions, and news direct form CIW
- Memes will make more sense to you
- Other people may start to look better
- Your Apple phone battery won’t crap out before your contract expires
- Tattoos will start to hurt more, but you will have a higher pain tolerance
- You might be selected to be an extra on a CIW podcast
- Your Hummer H3 will get 20 mpg instead of 14 mpg
Side Effects may include never being satisfied with drugstore shampoo again
- Pop artists will start to look you up
- Exclusive access to all CIW events and movie screenings
- Your favorite B list celebrity will star in the remake of your favorite movie
- You may become better looking
- Your favorite cancelled TV show will come back
- Paparazzi starts to wonder who you are, potentially resulting in unflattering photos being taken of you
- You get the last spot in the hooters parking lot
- Lil’ Dicky will start calling you the independent variable
- Your name will become the 3rd most popular baby name in the state of Idaho
Side effects may include glaring looks from haters
- Chuck’s voicemail number
- VIP access to all CIW celebrity events and red carpet movie screenings
- Friend requests from total randos
- You might be more likely to join the exclusive 2 mile high club
- A limo might start arriving to pick you up
- You might start to become more attractive to celebrities, resulting in feelings of jealously everywhere you go
- your friends start going everywhere you go, forming your new entourage
- you may end up vacationing with supermodels on a private tropical island
Side effects may include people starting to throw their underwear at you, we apologize in advance for these unfortunate occurrences
This card is given to a special kind of vaper who may or may not be; shady but well-intentioned, aloof but direct, or totally not creepy. This card is given to those who meet certain criteria that don't tickle our fancy. "benefits" may include:
- People will start offering you breath mints
- You’ll start running into glass doors
- People will misspell your name
- Facebook groups will start to ban you
- Every stoplight you come to will turn red
- Everyone in the office will know you were the one who clogged the toilet
- Your favorite store will start closing right before you get there
- Followers will start to unlike your insta pics
- Mark Zuckerberg will personally flag your FB account as a Russian Hacker
Side effects may include your ex texting you 65,000 times, but at this point, you probably like the attention. Weirdo.
This card is in a class all it's own. You receive this card when Chuck looks at you, winks, and the power of his wink doesn't kill you. You are the chosen vaper. Benefits may include:
- Alex Jones will have a rant based around you
- Conspiracy theories will pop up all over twitter regarding the origins of your popularity
- Amazon’s headquarters will be built in your city
- An obscure Polish author will want to write your memoir for you
- Police speed traps don't catch you
- And many more...
How Do I Get My Chuck Card?
Obviously, you want the Chuck Card. If you are chosen, you will receive a Chuck Card. You can always work to upgrade your level of Chuck Card as well. Earning a Chuck Card, or the next level of Chuck Card is simple: spread the word of Chuck. Post about Chuck on your social media, buy 5 Buck Chuck, and tag Chuck on Twitter and Instagram whenever you post Baller Chuck Pics.
Of course, we should warn you, you can also have your Chuck Card revoked for behavior unbecoming a baller. Chuck is always watching.